Hana
by Capie
Summary: Sakura's uncontrollable "hanyaan" is getting the best of her. Li finally lets go. A bitter-sweet story...


Hana  
Comments are always welcomed at smilie_smilie@hotmail.com  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or the general Card Captor Sakura story. It's the property of Clamp. This story is written as a past time. No copyright infringement intended.  
  
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Sakura Kinomoto stared out of the large window from her room blankly. Her head poked out slightly to feel the breeze blowing past her silky chocolate brown hair. Her sparkling green eyes dulled with worries and deep thoughts and her heart panged with guilt: guilt over her uncontrolled reactions.  
  
Several years had passed since Li had returned to Japan as he promised. At first they had been inseparable but as time passed on, each had somewhat drifted apart taking their physical closeness for granted. Then there was another, a virtual younger clone of Yukito. He was tall, handsome, kind and smart. He and Yukito had become instant friends and even Touya could not resist his charms. Then her father had taken a liking in him since both of them have an acute interest in ancient civilizations. He resembled Yukito in every possible measurable way.  
  
Worse off, he resembled Yukito in his effects on people.  
  
Like Yukito, he belonged to no club but helped out with every that needed his participation. Likewise, he was so talented that girls cheered his name and swooned over him. Then he would smile gently at Sakura and inevitably, she would blush and drift into her hanya-world.  
  
However, unlike Yukito, he simply managed to make Li furiously angry.  
  
Sakura closed her eyes as a tiny sparkling tear squeezed from her eyelids and rolled down her cheek. It was guilt that rang through her heart and gnawed at her consciousness. She was guilty over the uncontrollable feelings she had for another.  
  
Certainly, Sakura loved Li very much and it pained her at the mere thought of separating from him; but she could not help to question what was the underlying force keeping them together. Other thank magic, they had very little in common. She was outgoing while he preferred to be alone and isolated. Nonetheless, it was his solitude that attracted her to him. He was enigmatic: crude on the surface but soft and kind inside. Sakura had decided she loved him the way he was though it would be a lot nicer if he was not so enclosed by himself.  
  
She noticed that Li was more and more jealous and protective of her with the arrival of a new rival. She had tried to reassure him that there was nothing for him to worry about at first but to no avail. His piercing eyes could notice past her empty words and detect her underlying attraction. No words could deceive his intense gaze. Despite all that, seeing how happy she was, he had kept silent and to the shadows. She tried compensating for him having been so patient but no matter what she did, she knew she could not possibly alleviate the pain she had caused.  
  
In many senses, Li was like Yukito. They were both kind, tall, handsome, patient, and compassionate. Yet she had been uncontrollably attracted to Yukito since she first met him (and even now, despite she tried so hard to deny it) and only finding sentiment with Li.  
  
Another tear dripped down her eyes splattering in a gentle ripple on the windowsill. Sakura muffled a silent sob and choked on a painful cry. There was no hiding from Li and yet she could not bring herself to discuss the matter directly with him. She knew if she tried to explain herself honestly and plainly, she would be putting salt in Li's tender wounds. She was almost certain that Li would rather be stabbed to death than to hear her confess or discuss the problems stemming from this picturesque relationship. Li simply did not like discussing his feelings.  
  
The phone had rung for three times before Sakura even noticed it. She dragged her legs over to the desk and pressed the button on the receiver.  
  
"Hello?" she asked monotonously.  
  
"Hi..." a soft male voice filtered over the receiver. It was Li.  
  
"Something the matter?" Sakura asked.  
  
***  
  
It was one more painful thing in his existence. Luck, as Li Syoran had figured, had never entirely been his ally. Every time he thought he had accomplished something, it had been taken away from him. He had begun to question his endless quests that result in nothing for a while now and had concluded that the results of his actions had always befitted to the most deserving—which begs the question of what he really deserved. He had figured either he had committed some form of hideous unforgivable crime that he must be punished indefinitely for it or he simply deserved nothing because he contributed nothing.  
  
He was well aware of Sakura's steady drift away into Hanya-mode every time she meets that special someone. He was a clone of Yukito—perfection. Kind, smart, understanding, patient, and most importantly, compassionate. Li was aware he was none of that and would never quiet match up. It simply was not in his nature. To change to such an image would definitely defy all he ever was. He was kind, understanding, patient and compassionate; but just not publicly.  
  
He knew Sakura loved him too. He knew that Sakura would never have him change to something he did not feel comfortable with and he knew Sakura would never ask him to change. He knew if he tried to discuss his feelings around Sakura, he would just choke. He was never too good at expressing touchy feelings. It did take him over two months to confess his affections to his beloved.  
  
Sakura had avoided the topic with him because she didn't want to hurt him. He knew that very well although he wished she wouldn't hide. He would never be able to initiate the conversation with her so a part of him wanted desperately Sakura to. Yet he knew if Sakura did, he would break into emotional turmoil. He wasn't sure if he wanted to show Sakura that part of him yet.  
  
Li didn't know what it was that made Sakura go "hanya". He never quite understood the feeling either. He just knew certain people had that effect on her and there was nothing much he could do to stop it. She had felt that way about Yukito, her long time crush, and Mazuki both of whom carried great magical powers. If this new boy had magical powers, he would be able to sense it and rationalize Sakura's reaction but he hadn't felt anything. This was an ordinary boy and Sakura was feeling "hanya" for no other reason but pure attraction. This thought made him furious, jealous and bitter. Li had only wanted to see her smile brightly and it really didn't matter what the cause was. At least, that was the rationale he used to keep himself from a murderous rage.  
  
So his conclusion was no matter how hard he tried or how compassionate he tried to be when he is around Sakura, he could never make her feel anything remotely like "hanya".  
  
That, too, was not part of his luck.  
  
Li had gently placed down the receiver of black cordless phone sitting on the cabinet of his apartment. Sagging against the comfortable couch in his apartment he let out a sigh. Luck was definitely not on his side ever. When he had first come to Japan claiming the Clow Cards, he had lost all of it to Sakura. When he finally had the courage to confess his love to Sakura, he was forced to leave. When he finally was allowed to return to Japan to be with his beloved, she had begun to drift away at the sight of another. Now in his turmoil, he was once again forced to pry himself form his comfortable home in Japan back to Hong Kong. His mother had just passed away and his sisters had urged him to return, just for the grievance period and the funeral procedures. 'Misery loves company' Li told himself as he pulled himself up from the couch and lit two in scents in the memory of his mother.  
  
He would have to return soon, in fact, as soon as possible. It was rude to keep his family waiting while he sat in Japan sulking and feeling miserable over himself. He had realized at a young age that the world never revolved around him and that adaptation was key. He dialed up the airline company and began to make arrangements.  
  
He knew he should be tearful over the loss of his mother, but thoughts of Sakura and leaving simply consumed his mind. He could ask her to force herself away from her life to leave with him. That would be over dramatic—something that only happened in fairy tales between the beautiful princess and her prince charming on a white stallion. He thought about asking her to wait again. Then again, that would not be what Sakura deserved. Sakura had already been so patient with him the first time, and to ask her to wait indefinitely again would be unfair. He was sure Sakura would promise just so that he would not be hurt but he was certain she would be disappointed and will grow weary of his return with each passing day. The thought of stranding her in Japan was like ten thousand daggers stabbing through his heart. This was crazy. Then there was one last option: short term pain but long-term prosperity. It pained him to even think about it, but there was no other way.  
  
Li gently picked up the phone and pressed the memory button to hear Sakura's soft voice filter through the receiver. Perhaps she could already sense the oncoming bad news. That was another quality about Sakura that fascinated him: she was intuitive.   
  
He knew he didn't deserve her, and so there was no point in hoping and living in the naive world of sentiments.  
  
***  
  
Li stood at the foot of the Penguin Slide that evening with the sun dimming in an orange glow. A breeze ruffled his hair as orange leaves twirled on the cobblestone path encircling the park. He leaned casually against the slide resting his back against the cool surface. He casually glanced at his watch and let out a sigh. A tear formed in his eye as he remembered what he had come here to do. He crossed his arms as he let the tear finally falling from his eyes and gliding on his cheeks. He ignored it as it curved down his chin rolling down his neck and finally soaking on the collar of his forest green shirt.  
  
As if sensing the oncoming pain, Sakura walked slowly almost reluctantly and sulkily up to him. Without her usual energetic wave, she forced a smile to curve on her lips. Her soft brown hair moved with the breeze. Her expression was gentle and calm but her eyes tell an entirely different story. The sparkle had dimmed from the great weight of all her worries and her eyes were now in an odd shade of red from heart-broken tears.  
  
"Konbanwa," she greeted Li in a tiny voice.  
  
Snapping out of his thoughts, Li quickly swung around standing rigidly gazing back at Sakura; her beauty a shock to his eyes. "Oh,"  
  
Sakura noticed the tiny tear that had formed under Li's closed eyes that was suddenly blinked away when he saw her. Li was crying and Sakura had never thought it was possible. Another pang of guilt struck her as she realized he was probably crying over her. Despite Li's strict demeanor, Sakura could sense genuine pain inside him. In fact, it was pretty obvious. That, Sakura concluded, must mean he was extremely hurt; otherwise, he would not show that much emotion.  
  
No matter how much Sakura had tried to hide her thoughts in a smile, Li could see the change in her attitude. Her eyes were swollen from tears. That, perhaps, was the only thing that damaged her astounding beauty. The Eye was the window to the soul and Li could see that Sakura was troubled. He didn't have to ask her to know that she was bothered over their relationship.  
  
"Syoran-kun?" Sakura asked tenderly.  
  
"Sakura, we…I…" Li began.   
  
Sakura looked at him curiously. Her patience was another quality that attracted the somewhat hot-tempered Li.  
  
"I just wanted to tell you my mother passed away," Li began.  
  
"I'm sorry to hear that," Sakura replied as she moved closer to Li picking up one of his hands and holding it gently in hers.  
  
Being reminded of her gentleness pained Li. The warmth of her hands coursed through his body and the genuineness of her heart transferred from her hands and into his heart. Another tear had begun to from in his eyes but he quickly shook it off.  
  
"I need to go back…to be with my family," Li continued softly.  
  
"I understand," Sakura muttered. Somehow, she was not at all surprised by this as if a part of her had expected this to happen.  
  
"I am leaving as soon as possible," Li muttered.  
  
"I know you have to," Sakura said as she turned away from him looking down at the ground. Tears had begun to form in her eyes.  
  
Li squeezed her hands tight in his. "You don't have to wait," he said barely audible even to himself.  
  
Despite the softness, Sakura had heard his words as she could no longer hold the tears in her eyes. Letting out a weep tears flowed down her face and finally onto the ground.  
  
Seeing Sakura cry hurt him more than he could ever imagine. Li shut his eyes tightly trying to contain his emotions but fresh tears had already formed and were now barely contained behind his eyelids. It was difficult knowledge to know she was meant to be with to someone else. It was hard to let go his true affections but it must be done…just for her sake.  
  
"And I'll always love you," Li muttered finally as he pulled his hand away from hers letting them fall to her sides. Another gentle breeze blew by and a half-withered cherry blossom fell between them as they reminisce on a relationship so fore longed.  
  
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Owari!  
  
As usual, comments always welcomed at smilie_smilie@hotmail.com  
  
For those who don't know…  
Konbanwa – good evening  



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